EMQ, Extras (EMQ), Volume 61 - Issue 2

Staying Isn’t Always Good and Leaving Isn’t Always Bad

EMQ » April – July 2025 » Volume 61 Issue 2

Plane viewed from terminal window — Photo by Red Dot on Unsplash

Summary: Many who commit to becoming missionaries imagine permanently settling in another country for many years. However, a characteristic of cross-cultural mission work is its unpredictability. Sometimes, the stresses of missionary life make it hard to stay. Yet, at other times, some stay for the wrong reasons. Sue Eenigenburg gives some helpful tips for working out whether to stay or leave well.

By Sue Eenigenburg

When we joined our agency, the president challenged us to “leave our bones” in our host country. He stressed the need to stay for the long haul to see churches planted. So, when we prepared for our first term of ministry, we committed to stay in our adopted country for the rest of our career.

But before we even left for the field, our direction changed. Our team leaders heard about another country with an exceptional language school. So, we spent our first two years there. Finally, we made it to our host country ready to stay. But after only eight years, the government authorities made it obvious they didn’t want our bones. We moved on.

Maybe it is mostly the older generation that prioritizes a long-term commitment – especially when we want to plant churches among least-reached peoples. When we first set out, we thought the value of short-term ministries lay in preparing for long-term work. We knew we needed to learn the language, culture, and adapt to life in our new place, and this all takes time. We couldn’t leave too soon. And I was tempted. Often.

Language was harder than I expected. I experienced sexual harassment when I walked in the community. My children endured culture stress, and I felt guilty that I caused this added burden for them. I wondered if I was needed when my strengths didn’t seem to line up with team goals. I missed my grandpa’s funeral. I dealt with loneliness. Keeping up with everything I needed to do felt overwhelming. There were so many times I wanted to pack up my suitcase and run away.

Fast forward to today. We are now in our 38th year of missions; 25 of them overseas and 13 in our passport country. We’ve made seven international moves when we planned on just one. But things happen. Visas get revoked. Family needs arise, and opportunities beckon. At times we clearly knew we had to leave; other times we agonized trying to decide what was best.

We also said lots of goodbyes to many others who left before us. I felt surprised when colleagues left unexpectedly, announcing their intended departure without discussing the decision with the team. Some were asked to leave. Others left angry. Some felt misunderstood. Teammates felt led to different ministries. I discovered that goodbyes are hard whether expected or unexpected. Their leaving hurt and often questions lingered. What should we have done differently? Why did they really leave? Could I have helped them more? Some reasons they left made sense to me. Others baffled me. And now, it seems like people leave even sooner than they did in the past.

We don’t want to leave too soon. We need to be ready to face difficulties, like language blunders, cultural mishaps, and ministry hardships. We must have a deepening walk with God and develop good relationship skills. We have to learn to recognize lies and cling to the truth as we plod along. On those days we want to run away, we come back to how God has led us. We look to him to help us through what feels like an impossible task. It takes years of hard work, constant learning, and spiritual renewal to keep at it. We need to develop grit.

As I considered all this, I wanted to produce a resource that would help people stay longer since ministry is almost always harder than expected. I knew the temptation to run away, and I wanted to encourage global workers to stay. I identified ten challenges that I faced and the lies that I believed about them. Then I replaced those lies with the truth that I clung to through the years.

I invited Eva Burkholder, a global worker and member care provider, to collaborate with me. We quickly realized we can’t write about staying if we don’t also write about leaving. At the beginning of the project, I pictured leaving as the ultimate bad. I felt we must stay even when it hurts. And we do need to stay through challenges. We don’t have to flee when we face hardships. That is all true.

But, leaving isn’t the ultimate bad. God does sometimes lead people to go. Not all reasons for leaving are negative. A change of direction reveals a better fit elsewhere. Leaders identify specialized skills in a missionary that are needed in another setting. Family concerns may bring about a shift in location or position. Maybe God takes his people to a new country to give them what they need for their next assignment from him.

We also don’t want to stay just to stay. We want to stay well. Staying when we are overworked, burned out or stressed beyond what our health can sustain isn’t wise. We shouldn’t stay because we are afraid of what we will do next. We don’t make the basis of our decision to stay on what people will think about us if we leave. Pride may also play a role – others may leave but not me. We might not be sure why we stay but stay we will!

Of course, pride might not be the issue. We might be remaining true to where we believe God has led us. We desire to stay and be fruitful but measuring success in cross-cultural ministry is sometimes difficult. Do we need to persevere, keep sowing seed, and fruit will ultimately come? Or, because of the rejection of the gospel should we shake the dust off our sandals and go to a different place? Do we stay through persecution or leave when our lives or our family are in danger? We see both examples in Scripture which makes the decision even harder! Paul walks into known danger (Acts 21:12–14) and flees in a basket over the city wall to escape it (Acts 9:23–25). How did he decide which to do? How do we?

If we don’t want to leave too soon, nor stay too long, we face a difficult decision. Deciding when feeling stressed or overworked isn’t prudent. We don’t want to make life altering decisions when feeling angry, overwhelmed, or isolated. Wanting to move on just to escape for what seems easier isn’t a good strategy. For instance, we may leave to escape messy relationships, but we’re almost certain to encounter them in our new situation.

How do we decide? What factors do we consider? The resource Eva and I worked on became a book that addresses this. In the third section of Grit to Stay Grace to Go: Staying Well in Cross-Cultural Ministry, we pose thirteen questions that enable us to decide prayerfully, intentionally, and wisely:

What is my calling?
What are the pros and cons of staying? Of leaving?
Why do I want to transition?
Who should I talk to and when?
What part do my relationships play in this decision?
What would I do If I weren’t afraid?
What do I know about myself that affects this decision?
What changes need to occur for me to stay?
What key scriptures can encourage and guide me?
How do I sense God leading me?
Have I already moved on?
What would I be going to?
Whether I stay or go, how do I say goodbye well?

Taking the time to think through these questions helps us not to decide rashly or give up and leave too soon. I believe that our tendency is to leave too soon rather than stay too long. So, I propose when trying to decide whether to go or stay that we make every effort to stay well. Yet, at the same time remain open to God’s guidance to leave well. Let’s look at three questions from our book.

What changes need to occur for me to stay? After all the effort expended to get overseas and settle in, it would be a loss to everyone to leave too soon. To stay, perhaps we need to say no to some of the opportunities that come our way. When choosing to respond we can look at our gifts, strengths, and time boundaries. Do we need a different ministry focus that is a better fit? Is there a way to make our house feel like our home? Would changes in schools, team, or organization be of benefit? We must take the time to evaluate our well-being. We may need a sabbatical or extended furlough to get the help we need. Making needed changes may help workers stay longer and stay well.

Who should I talk to and when? When thinking about leaving, this is one of the hardest things to discern. If I tell my team too soon, what will they do and what will they say? If I wait too long, I risk hitting them with a decision already made. Who can keep a confidence? Who can help us think it through without pressuring us into the decision they think is best? When choosing who to talk with, we must know they are committed to our well-being. Not only that, they also must understand the value of cross-cultural ministry. We make wiser decisions when we seek the input of others rather than decide in isolation.

What do I know about myself that affects this decision? Finding our niche in cross-cultural ministry takes time. We first get acclimated to a new culture. We say yes to varying opportunities and try out different skills. As we do, we discover which ones flow and which ones are better left to others. We learn our energy levels and more about our personalities and what we need to thrive. In time, we develop patience and grit as we press on in ministry. For many this doesn’t come naturally, but we can learn through experience. My role in missions looks quite different from the ideal I had on the flight to my first term. It took time, but I found my niche. I learned to embrace it rather than long for other gifts that seemed more significant.

With all that said, staying isn’t always good and leaving isn’t always bad. What’s important is to decide wisely which way God is leading. Motivation is a factor when deciding. Once we contemplated leaving a place that felt harder to live in than the easier place that could be next. I needed to discern whether I was running from rather than running toward. I didn’t want escape to be my main reason for leaving. Levels of discomfort can be factors in the decision. But the real question needs to be: “How is God leading and how do I know what to do?” Once we discern which way God is leading, it becomes a matter of staying well or leaving well.

In leaving well, we must devote time and attention to questions like: How are my relationships? Are there any ministries I needed to hand off? What blessings can I give? What do I need to prepare for next steps? Who else do I need to communicate with? Have I said goodbye to friends and visited my favorite places one more time?

If we choose to stay, what do we need to stay well? Do I need closer friendships? Which ministries do I keep and what do I let go of? Who do I need to talk with? How can I strengthen my walk with God? How can I establish roots where I live? If others decide to leave, how can I say goodbye well to them (Eva does a masterful job addressing this in the second part of our book)?

To stay or to go? I remember choosing to stay on the field when we were asked to serve in the US. Another time, government officials made the decision for us, and we had to leave. However, we chose to leave in our most recent international moves. At some point in a missionary’s career, everyone will make the choice to stay or to go. Perhaps several times. The decision is rarely easy. Challenges continue whatever we decide. May we look to God who directs our steps to stay or go for our good and his glory.

Sue Eenigenburg graduated from Moody Bible Institute and Lancaster Bible College. She has served in cross-cultural ministry since 1986. She is the co-author of Grit to Stay Grace to Go: Staying Well in Cross-Cultural Ministry.